I find it hard to truly express who I really am inside with direct words even on the Internet. However I think I need this for people to understand and to keep me accountable for the decisions I will make in life. I wrote this a long time ago elsewhere, now I’m making it public. So here goes my list of wants for the man I will marry (it may look difficult and unrealistic, however there are common running threads in them and I do note that the man may only develop/grow these characteristics later on in life. I’m just being extremely idealistic as per my nature here):
I want a love story that I’m proud of to tell my children and their children.
I want to experience life, the good and the bad. (thought: even when I make good decisions, the bad still follows anyway. So does making bad decisions then compound the bad situations that’ll still come?)
I want physical intimacy.
I want emotional intimacy.
I want a long-term easygoing best friends relationship.
I want someone who shares some of the same interest with me. All is too boring. None is just awkward.
I want someone who won’t feel bored when with me.
I want someone who is responsible for his actions and thoughts.
I want someone who is able to take charge when needed.
I want someone with a dream and vision, willing to suffer for his passion.
I want someone who can give me my freedom and space when needed.
I want manja.
I want comfortable silence.
I want someone who can encourage me just as I encourage him.
I want someone who can tell me off when I do wrong just as I will do the same for him.
I want to live a rich (not in wealth; that’s a bonus) satisfying life where people can take my stories as lessons.
I want someone who can support my dreams realistically (sharing them will be even better).
I want someone who can bring up our children together in a loving, fatherly and responsible way.
I want love even during the worst situations.
Will he ever come for me? I don’t know. Is this list making me selfish? Perhaps. Maybe I’ve yet to understand what selfless love can be. Right now all I can do is just wait and grow into who I can be, walking in the path the One has set forth (albeit this gets even more confusing sometimes).
Totally just took the entertainment guide from Cathay Pacific Airlines (with asked permission!!!) only for the music radio channel guide. They played some awesome songs and I want to get my hands on them.
We made ourselves a home out of our dreams Brought with us this love now bittersweet And maybe I could say now that I always thought of you How you’ve run to walk with me your whole life through
And I know, we go deeper than skin But what lies within is still deeper than we know
And for all this pantomime, you should see the state I’m in I couldn’t heal myself with time alone I have you tattooed on my skin
This house is full of stories we both told These rooms their very stage where they’d unfold These walls they whisper secrets and memories thereof But this door no longer leads us to that love
Yeah, I know, we go deeper than skin But what lies within is still deeper than we know
And for all this pantomime…
All I ever wanted was to hold you What can I do now to make things new I ain’t trying to write you into a song Cos you’re too sacred and I would feel wrong But what irony life holds, I was finally ready to meet you halfway You turned and walked away
And for all this pantomime…
This describes you and me so perfectly. It will never be, shall it?
It seems like I have somniloquy. Should really record myself sleeping. I wonder what I actually do. My sister said I was singing an entire song (which I have no recollection of). Another person said she managed a conversation with me (which I also have no recollection of).
The dream I had of myself sleepwalking doesn’t seem that far off now. Maybe it really did happen. hmmm…